Stages of Haruhi
by Darker Charon
Summary: Story contains major Disappearance spoilers.   This story follows Haruhi and her various emotions from December 18th to 21st.  Strongly Haruhi X Kyon.  Rated T for safety.  Six-shot.
1. Denial

A/N: The characters that I will use in this story were created by Nagaru Tanigawa and the plot is generally his too. Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya spoilers since this takes places within the events of the novel and anime movie. If you don't want it to be spoiled, stop reading now. Make sure to buy the DVD when it comes to North America or when it comes to your area of the world(The Blue Ray and DVD are already out in Japan, so you should already own it or in the process of buying it). Warning: Angst and very strong Kyon X Haruhi to follow.

**Stages of Haruhi**

Chapter 1: Denial

_ December 18, 2010 3 PM JST_

This cannot be happening. I had today planned out perfectly, we were supposed to hammer out the details of the SOS Brigade Christmas Party and we were supposed to work out the details of the SOS Brigade Christmas Parade, and then go shopping for things we needed including the fabric for the reindeer costume. Then we would have rehearsed with Santa and her reindeer, and I would have made those two be ready for the parade in their sleep. It would have been the best thing we had ever done. Then….then. I don't want to think about it. This cannot be happening to me, my Brigade is supposed to be invulnerable. None of my minions can be hurt. I won't tolerate it!

"Suzumiya-san" Koizumi is saying to me. That's right, I have to be strong. I am their Chief. "My uncle said he'd take care of this. He will be in good hands."

I have to be strong for them. I cannot let Koizumi see me cry, even if he is my deputy. "I would expect no less of my Vice Commander," I tell him in a brave voice that I know I wouldn't believe if I were him. We walk over to where the others are waiting. Mikuru, Yuki, Taniguchi, Kunikada, Tsuruya and Okabe are there. Mikuru is still sobbing and Tsuruya is trying to comfort her. Taniguchi and Kunikada look dazed and this is the most silent Taniguchi has ever been. Yuki is as stone-faced as usual. That girl has got to stop keeping her emotions bottled up like this. Then again, I am one to talk aren't I? Okabe is mumbling something to himself. Probably something about handball. Koizumi and I took our seats a little further from the others.

"There are times where I want to pinch myself and see if this is all just a nightmare" Koizumi said. "Or I keep hoping Ashton Kutcher is going to come out here and tell us that we've all been "punk'd". I was also hoping somebody would come out and let us know that this was all a sick prank. But I know there was no way in which that was possible. I also want this all to be just a nightmare that I was having, but I know that I am fully awake.

"I'd give him a huge penalty if he was pulling a stunt like that." I tell him. "I don't see how anybody would think something like that is even remotely funny. And yes, it feels very unreal to me too." The reason why I wish this wasn't really happening is so I don't have to feel like this was somehow my fault. I also wonder if any of my subordinates or the others here are secretly looking at me with the eyes of judgment, as if they also believe that I was responsible for his injury. "I want to stay here with him. I'm his Chief, I should be here when he wakes up."

"Do you want us to be here with you?" he asks me.

"Great idea, Koizumi-kun. That way he'll be sure to have one of us there. You don't have to be here the whole time though. You three should rotate shifts so each of you can get rest. I won't have any of my subordinates risking their health by not getting enough sleep." He looks relieved at this pronouncement, as if I was taking a burden off his shoulders. "Make sure to tell Mikuru-chan and Yuki-chan that I mean business. I won't have them catching a flu bug because they didn't get enough rest. Tell them that Kyon-kun is mainly my responsibility not theirs." I am trying not to cry. Yes, I can do this. I can be strong for them.

"You can count on me." Koizumi tells me. Then he goes over to pull Mikuru and Yuki aside and tell them my directives. All things aside, I am a benevolent leader of the SOS Brigade. I just wonder why Kyon couldn't see it. The reason why I decided to have the Christmas party was to make sure that nobody was lonely for the holidays. I know Yuki lives alone, and I often wonder about her.

I think back to just before I felt like I was having the worst nightmare of my life. It had been a little after noontime when we had adjourned our meeting concerning the day's business: shop for decorations, and assemble Kyon's reindeer costume because Santa's granddaughter has to ride on something. It just has to be that way. Naturally, he had been somewhat reluctant to go along with this, but then I persuaded him that he had no other choice. Naturally, I had taken point because I am the fearless leader, and Kyon brought up the rear because I think he likes to walk slowly and think. He does seem to think to himself a lot. If only he'd let me into his head once in a while. I had reached nearly halfway down the stairwell when I suddenly heard something coming towards us, and then I had seen that Kyon was falling past us. On instinct, I had turned to where he had been, and I could have sworn that I saw a girl near where Kyon was but then wasn't. I had turned back to see if he was OK, and he was just laying there not moving. I had felt like I was almost frozen. Kyon…he couldn't be dead, right? Yuki had rushed off to call for an ambulance which probably had saved his life. Mikuru had already begun sobbing uncontrollably, and Koizumi had looked like a deer caught in headlights. By the time that ambulance had arrived, a crowd had gathered not far from where we were. Had they been curious as to who had been hurt or were they concerned like the Brigade? It hadn't been my fault, but I felt like the eyes of the world were upon me.

I snap back to the here and now as Yuki and Mikuru gather to where I am and Koizumi is also with us. The waiting room itself had a certain naturally antiseptic feeling to it with really uncomfortable cahirs and the baited breath of all of us who were waiting for news. The two girls tell me that they will help in watching over Kyon if and when they give us the chance to see him. Just as if this were following some sort of cosmic script, a doctor walks through to the waiting room and starts to speak to Okabe and the rest of us.

* * *

_ December 18, 2010 6PM JST_

It still feels so unreal. It is almost like a nightmare actually. One of my Brigade members is in a coma, and there's nothing that I can do about it. At least I know that Koizumi's uncle had a friend that was able to arrange for a private room in one of the hospitals in Kobe. Kyon's mother had been able to show up so Okabe could leave and not mumble about how he wouldn't have been injured playing handball. Well, I know I am not responsible for it either. It's Kyon own fault for being so careless. But I still feel horrible regardless. He is after all one of my minions….no, that's not correct. He is an important subordinate of mine, and he at moments reminds me of John Smith who made me believe that I can find the special beings that I want to find. He has shown that he is crucial to the SOS Brigade on a few occasions as well, the first being that he helped give me the idea for the club in the first place. He had also helped by retrieving that heater last month. Yes, he was great at doing the labor that I did not bother with, and he would have made a great reindeer. No, he will be a great reindeer because he's going to be OK. He is going to wake up soon, he has to. He'll get a double penalty if he doesn't.

Koizumi and I are going to start our watch over Kyon. He was able to talk the hospital through his connections to let me have a great degree of latitude in visiting him. I am going to have to reward him for being an excellent Vice Commander after this is all over. I would have been a complete mess if I was barred from seeing him. As far as things are now, I think I'm fine. Yeah, I am feeling fine. I'm not going to let Kyon's condition at the moment bring me down. I am Haruhi Suzumiya after all, Chief of the divine and just SOS Brigade, force for all that is good and interesting in the world. Nope, nothing is going to bring me down. Still, why the hell did he pick today to get hurt, the big klutz.

"How are you doing, Haru-nyon? That must have been a _megassa _frightening sight, _nyoro_." Tsuruya says to me. I see that Mikuru is still nearby, looking like she has run out of tears and somehow she will find a way to rival the sea in the amount of tears she can cry. Yuki, Kunikada and Taniguchi are nowhere that I can see. I can guess that those two guys got sick of waiting around here, and I don't blame them. Yuki probably went home to sleep because she drew the graveyard shift. Yeah, I still think she shouldn't be so withdrawn.

"I think I feel fine, Tsuru-chan although it was horrible seeing him fall past us and then…" I pause for a moment, as if I can't find the words. Then I regain my composure. "You know what? I won't forgive that big _baka _if he doesn't wake up really soon. He shouldn't go around scaring me….I mean us like that." She lets out a laugh that sounds half-hearted and as if that was her response to anything uncomfortable.

"You do know that we're all hoping for him to pull through soon right?" she says. She then looks in Mikuru's direction. "Would you mind if I took her home for now? She might need to get away from here for at least a few hours."

"As long as she and Yuki-chan and Koizumi-kun work out when they're going to be here for Kyon-kun, I am OK with that." I say.

"Even now, you are _megas_ organized. You are a good leader, _nyoro. _I'll take good care of Mikuru-chan, don't you worry," she says. Then she waves me goodbye, and she walks away with her motioning for Mikuru to follow. I nod in silent approval, and then she goes.

Now it's down to myself and Koizumi and soon I will be able to watch over Kyon personally. If he pops up, and says that I'm on Candid Camera as soon as I go into his private hospital room, then I am going to deck him. It's so not funny what you're putting all of you through. It would be preferable though to what we have to deal with now. Kyon is in a coma, and I can't tell him that I am missing him already. Even if he has a dumb ponytail fetish and I had that strange dream back in May, I was still his boss. And I am still his friend, even if he won't admit it.

Chapter End

Small aside: Please make sure to send me a review. I hope that I have the right feel for Haruhi's character during Disappearence with her still being bossy and outrageous but also with a growing sense of others feelings and signs of friendship with her and Yuki that are a factor in the later novels.


	2. Anger

A/N: Takes place during the Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya. It's available in Japan on DVD and Blue-Ray, the novel is available in English in North America as well. I haven't read Intrigues(Schemes) of Haruhi Suzumiya(aka the seventh novel), so any continuity errors I make are unintentional. Story and characters belong to Nagaru Tanigawa, I am only interpreting events that he has hinted at.

Chapter 2: Anger

_December 18, 2010 10 PM JST_

Koizumi's shift is going to end soon, and I look around and I still see no sign of Yuki or Mikuru. Even though a new day is rapidly approaching, it still feels absolutely unreal. I also feel another feeling that is growing and it makes me very uneasy. When I think about Mikuru crying earlier, I feel like my insides are burning, and without knowing it, I make a fist. I wonder if I am getting angry at Kyon, and then I think that I shouldn't be angry with him since he's in a coma.

As if on some sort of cosmic cue, I see Yuki walking down the corridor. I cannot tell what she's feeling, she still has that stoic face. Koizumi looks relieved that she had came, and I see that he is stifling a yawn. I hope that my Vice Commander will get the rest he needs soon. He will need to take command if I am ever incapable of performing my sacred duties as leader of the SOS Brigade. Then Yuki comes into Kyon's room where Koizumi and I have been keeping vigil.

"Right on time, Nagato-san. I guess this is when I take my leave, if that's fine with our Chief," he says. I nod to show him my assent.

"Thank you, Koizumi-kun. You've done well today." I pause for a second, swallowing before addressing Yuki. "The whole Brigade owes you one for you keeping your cool earlier. Good to know that he was in your good hands earlier. At least we now know that the strong and mostly silent character is also the one that we can depend on in an emergency," I say to our resident bookworm. "How typical of Kyon, we always have to save his sorry butt, don't we?" I then say, not expecting an answer to that.

"Was that a rhetorical question, Suzumiya-san?" Yuki asks me. Koizumi then took that moment to start walking his way out.

"Yes, it was," I say while also chuckling for a reason I know not. "Yuki-chan, you read a lot. Why is it that I almost feel like throwing a haymaker at Kyon right now for scaring us like that?" Her head moves slightly as if I asked her an odd question.

"You could be entering the second stage of the Kubler-Ross model which some psychologists dispute the veracity of. The model has five different responses to grief or a traumatic event or the realization of death."

"Kubler-Ross? Why I am thinking of elves and cookies?"

"I do not know. That would be Keebler" Yuki says

"Oh right" I say as I tap my head. Then suddenly it feels like a light bulb goes on in my head. "Oh, the five stages of grief, was that it?" I query her.

"Exactly. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Despair, and Acceptance," she says as matter-of-fact as she always does. Are these feelings really just the manifestation of a process that is so clinical? I then have a thought.

"Yuki-chan, are you experiencing the same feelings?" I ask her.

Her face again has a puzzled look. "It had not occurred to me that someone would ask me that," she says. "You could say that I am in the first stage," she adds.

I almost want to give her a hug but I am not sure how she would respond to a gesture like that. I think of all the times that we had shared in the seven months that we had known each other. She had allowed us to use the Literary Club's room even though Kyon was against it at the time, she had thrown a hell of a cut-off throw to second base in June, she had ran a great race during the track meet a few months ago, and then of course, she had helped me and the ENOZ girls by filling in at guitar during the school Cultural Festival in October. I had never felt closer to her then, and I think she had really enjoyed her time in the spotlight. I had also discovered she was quite skilled at playing computer games, as she played a very large part in winning the duel with the Computer Research Society in November, which had meant that they are loyal to me now and I had won us four laptops to go with our very sweet computer. Yes, Yuki Nagato is an essential part of the SOS Brigade and she showed me that yet again earlier today. Maybe she is also more than a valuable and useful subordinate, but also a true friend as well. "No matter what happens, you will be at the Christmas party, Yuki. You should be amongst friends, and not alone with just books all the time" I say.

I am not sure, but I think she just smiled.

* * *

_December 19, 2010 2 AM JST_

Yuki has been sitting quietly and to my surprise, serenely while watching something on her laptop. She also has the most adorable bunny headphones on. It does remind me that she also has a white bunny girl suit that she had acquired some months after I had purchased two bunny girl costumes for myself and Mikuru. Those costumes have gotten some good use out of them. Yes, my costume collection for Mikuru is still growing, and there are still possibilities to consider. I also wonder if I have seen Yuki cosplay a few times herself. I also feel that persistent feeling is still there. Damnit Kyon, why did you have to be so clumsy? Did I just let that thought slip out? Ugh, I hate seeing him like this, and I wish I was somewhere else.

"If Mikuru-chan were here in that cute nurse's outfit, I bet he'd just instantly come out of it. The pig!" I say, feeling sheepish that I let those words out.

"Negative, his condition would be unaffected by any of Asahina-san's wardrobe," she says clinically. She then continues playing whatever she's at. I wonder if she has discovered dating sims or visual novels. I mean visual novels are just a step up from the ordinary novels she reads.

"Of course," I respond. "He really needs to have a penalty for making Mikuru-chan cry like that. I mean, where does he get off, pulling a stunt like that, and making us feel like there is nothing we can do. I mean really, I have better things to do that wait for this _baka _to wake up. I mean, what lengths would he go to in order to get out of doing his duty at the party. I wouldn't put it past him to pull a stunt like that." I say, noticing that I was feeling hotter and hotter.

"He is not that passive-aggressive, Suzumiya-san. And there has to be a reason why you haven't slept yet," she says. Yes, I haven't had a wink of sleep yet, and I am unlikely to get any soon.

"You're right, Yuki-chan. I just hate seeing him like this. I hate that Mikuru-chan was crying, I hate that Koizumi-kun has lot his smile, and I hate that you are just feeling so numb. I hate, hate that I cannot do a thing about it, and it's all his fault." I now am feeling pretty heated and my head feels a little lighter than I would like. "Is it too much to ask for everything to be right? I just wanted to have the best Christmas ever, and because he can't watch where he's going, I am stuck picking up the pieces. It isn't fair!" I say as my temper has boiled over.

"No it is not" she says, and then I think I see a sad mini-look on her face.

"Damn straight, it isn't fair. He could have died. The SOS Brigade would be in disarray. I would have had to work even harder to get things done, and then the nerve of him. I mean, how dare he. Does he think he just leave me, and my life would go on." I notice that my eyes are starting to fill up and it's harder to see. "It just doesn't work that way. Doesn't he know how much we need him, how much I NEED HIM," I let out a frustrated yelp. "I just don't know how I could go on without him. The Brigade was his idea, and it just wouldn't be the same if he were gone." My eyes are now fully misty.

Yuki has been sitting there silently, and then says softly "I do not think I would be the same without him either."

Kyon is just lying there, and nothing has changed since I started talking to him. And here I am, completely helpless and feeling my efforts futile. The worst thing is that I never truly told him that I trusted him above all others, and that I sometimes suffered fits of mental illness when he would speak my name without the honorific. Love is a mental illness, and I think I am afflicted, thanks to you, Kyon. I don't know why it makes my heart race when I am just Haruhi to you, but it does. Even now, I wonder if I will ever have that strange dream where he kissed me. He should have asked my permission, but I know I would give it. Maybe some day, I will stop pursuing John Smith, and then I will find myself in your arms, Kyon. I finally decide to do what I should have done half an hour ago. I give Yuki a hug. "I want him to return to us. I want that more than I have ever wanted to find those things that I said I wanted to find. He made the search worthwhile."

Yuki says softly "I know."

* * *

_December 19, 2010 5AM JST_

Asahina should be on her way soon. I know that seeing Kyon just lying there has absolutely brought out some of the emotions that I had been keeping down within myself. I am now sure that just as Kyon has made my life richer, Yuki is my rock. I know now that having them as my friends is a blessing because both have shown that they are very dependable. I am not going to take that for granted. Not after today.

"Being sleep-deprived is not going to be healthy for you, Suzumiya-san" Yuki says, without blinking I notice. "You want to look out for us, you should also take care of yourself," she pauses "Please,"

My heart warms since I know that even with whatever Yuki is feeling, she is still trying to help me. I need to remind myself to do something for her. Maybe if some guy has a thing for her, I'll help her with that guy. "I will be fine. I just want to be here when he wakes up. I want to tell him that he is to never, ever, ever scare me like this ever again, and that he needs to make up for making Mikuru-chan cry. Maybe then I'll tell him that he really can't be replaced in the Brigade. Or maybe I just won't ever let him out of my sight again. I know for sure that he will be doing double duty in that reindeer suit, and then….maybe we'll give him the best Christmas he will ever have. " He looks so peaceful there, but I just keep hoping that he will suddenly jump out of bed and tell me how awful my ideas are. Even that would be better than seeing him like this.

Chapter End

Aside: I hope I had the right balance of sympathetic Haruhi and normal Haruhi, and the little Haruhi-chan elements aren't out of place. Please review. I tried to correct the quotations issue that was brought up.


	3. Bargaining

Disclaimer: All characters and the basic plot were created by Nagaru Tanigawa. Yes, I am merely a fan of the Haruhi Suzumiya series and claim no rights to it. The DVD/Blue Ray Combo of Disappearance is coming soon to North America and will be available in England November 2011. Also if you can read Japanese or just really want to support the light novels, volumes 10 and 11(The Surprise of Haruhi Suzumiya) are now available in Japan. The first five light novels are now available in English in North America.

A/N: Story takes place during the fourth light novel, The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya. I haven't read Intrigues so any breaks from canon are unintentional. On a personal note, I apologize for my delay in updating this story and I hope the best for the Japanese people after the devastating earthquake and tsunami that took so many lives and caused so much damage. Story also contains a few nods to Kyon: Big Damn Hero but is not set in the same universe as it.

Chapter 3: Bargaining

_ December 19, 2010 9 AM JST_

It's been more than twenty-four hours since I last slept, and I doubt that I will be able to get any today. There has been a question that has been turning over in my head for the last few hours. I suppose now would be as good a time as any to ask Yuki about it, and then I would likely find some other item to mull over.

"Yuki-chan, when they say that the third stage is bargaining, what do they mean exactly? I mean Kyon's in a coma, and I am just an ordinary high school girl. Although, I am the leader of the great SOS Brigade, but still, I am no alien, or esper or even a time traveler. With whom would I even try to bargain and with what?"

Yuki thinks for a moment and says "In the culture that Kubler-Ross wrote her book, there is a belief in a singular omnipotent and omniscient being called God. This being is also referred to be some secular groups that treat addiction as a Higher Power, and this same culture also believes that this God has three distinct avatars called The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit. Some only believe that the Son avatar intercedes on their behalf and that this avatar's name is Jesus. Furthermore, some believe that the true name of God has a distinct power of its own, and thus must never be spoken,"

That is a lot to take in, Yuki. "Sounds like a very convoluted system of beliefs. Just who are they?" I ask, because I am curious.

"They are Christians," she says matter of factly.

"Oh, you mean Catholics? I always wondered what kind of faith requires their female officers to dress up like penguins. Then again, I suppose to the people of the West , our beliefs must sound strange to them with our Buddhist funerals and Shinto shrines and rituals. Oh, that reminds me, we are going to do something for New Years," I stop myself and look at Kyon. "Provided that he gets well. Maybe even if he doesn't, maybe having a great fortune to give to him will help. I certainly wish I could tie whatever bad fortune he has now, and tie it to the biggest tree I can find,"

"Yes, many westerners would be confused by Japanese beliefs in _kami_. "

Another thought just comes to me. "So theoretically, I could try to find an alien that would help Kyon, and I try to persuade them to help him? Nah, that wouldn't make much sense would it? So this stage is what you'd consider giving up so bad stuff doesn't happen or something like that?"

Yuki nods and says "Indeed, it is a person trying to make a deal with what they perceive to be more powerful than them to stop the inevitable or to reverse a traumatic situation."

Now I see. Thank you, Yuki. "I guess then it would be easier if there was actually an alien in the room, and we could have them heal Kyon if we gave them Reese's Pieces or apples or something." Yes, I sound dumb right now.

"You've been given that impression by E.T and Death Note respectably although Death Note has _shinigami_ and no aliens, correct?" Yuki seems very puzzled though.

"It sounds very silly the way you say it, Yuki-chan. But yes, that's the idea. Too bad that aliens are really hard to find, and we just haven't been able to see through their disguises. I do think that they'd help us though. They'd be kind but careful not to upset our natural evolution. And they'd be slow about revealing themselves because most people want to think they're evil and want to invade us, but I don't believe that they have any ill intent towards us." I really hate clichéd alien movies. Why do people and aliens always end up fighting anyway in those movies? It's true that I had used those tropes myself in my movie, but that was to parody and deconstruct such things.

Yuki is silent. Then after what I think was a long thirty seconds, she says "I would suppose so." So she agrees with me. Then we see Mikuru walk towards the room in the same clothes she wore when we did our mystery hunt for the first time. Even in normal clothes, she is so cute that you just want to take her home with you. Yuki starts to leave, and Mikuru barely looks at her.

I say to Yuki as my parting words. "Thanks for everything, Yuki-chan". I also just say quietly to myself. "People actually pin all their hopes on omnipotent beings, huh. Interesting." Yuki turns and I cannot read her exact expression. Then she leaves. Then I turn my attention to Mikuru. "You haven't been fooled by those phony Santas out there, have you?"

* * *

_ December 19, 2010 4 PM JST_

Mikuru has been serving me tea so I could try to fight off the heaviness in my eyes. I am pretty sure I have been dozing off for a few minutes at a time as well. I also look at the red sleeping bag that my mother had left for me last night. I know that I want and need to sleep, but I just have this feeling that Kyon somehow needs me like I am right now. Out of my subordinates, Mikuru is at times the hardest to speak to. I mean, she's so cute . She's also incredibly naïve, and she would be fooled by almost any phony Santa out there. I know I have to train her to find the real Santa, who is a master ninja. He would have to be one so he could deliver all those presents in a mere twenty four hours. The other 364 days of the year, he must be fighting crime with Thomas Magnum in Hawaii or something.

I notice the time, and then I see a somewhat short, middle aged woman with a noticeably small chest and her barely past the shoulder hair was very neatly tied into a ponytail. She almost seems like she's ignoring Mikuru and me and just staring at Kyon. She then decides to acknowledge our presence. "Oh, you must be Kyon's friends. My daughter talks all the time about you," She smiles. "I suppose you already know that my son keeps things to himself, but even so I glad you're here for him," She let out a sigh.

Yes, he was certainly the introverted type. "I suppose this would be too much for his little sister. But let her know that her "Haruhi-nee" says hi."

"I certainly will, Haruhi-chan," Kyon's mother said. "I suppose if he were awake, he'd be telling us not to embarrass him with his nickname, but our family is so used to calling him that ever since his aunt Rena called him that by mistake. I would guess it would be the same for you,"

I nod "I'm so used to calling him Kyon that on some days, I have even forgotten what his actual name is."

Then she takes a good look at Mikuru. "You must be Mikuru-chan. My daughter also talks a lot about you as well. She certainly enjoyed helping both of you with the movie too. " She turns towards me "You certainly kept him busy with the movie and with summer vacation before that. From what I hear, you really pushed him to finally do his homework just before September started."

I remember that differently. He had surprised me by trying to organize a study group without me, his Brigade Chief. I still wonder what had made his so passionate about his homework so suddenly, but thinking back, I had waited him to ask me for help. I would have done it had he just asked me when I had asked if anybody wanted to add something around August 17th. Perhaps I am still slightly intimidating to him. I will have to consider if I decide to do a great thing for him around Valentine's Day. Yeah, I can always ask around about any buried treasure or such. "If he ever needs it, I will tutor him. I am his leader after all."

His mother smiles slightly "I think my brother Keiichi and his wife Rena would like you. They are always trying to get Kyon to open up and to apply himself better. Actually, if he wasn't involved with your club, he'd probably end up as a NEET. And you care enough to watch over him. I want to thank you for at least that."

Of all of the things to say, she picks the one thing that I didn't want to hear right now. Why thank me? I was responsible for him as his leader, I would think that you'd blame me not thanking me. Would he thank me for what I'm doing were we awake? I just can't answer that, and I suddenly find myself hugging his mother.

Mikuru decides to also join in and it becomes a group hug. At this moment, I know what I want to promise to Orihime or Hikoboshi. If Kyon comes out of this soon, I will make sure to guide him into college. I probably won't ever find an alien, but I can help him reach the stars and at least become someone extraordinary. Yes, neither of us will settle for ordinary.

* * *

_ December 19, 2010 8 PM JST_

Koizumi looks more concerned than he did yesterday. Mikuru had left an hour ago when Koizumi came around. He had seemed like he hardly slept, and that concerned me because I have never seen him like this. He would always be chipper and basically happy-go-lucky. Knowing him, he is probably holding things in so he wouldn't disappoint me. I'm the Brigade Chief, and I'm the one who should be strong for everyone else, not him. I suppose this is why he makes a good Vice Commander, he takes after me.

"Koizumi-kun, do you think I'll be able to keep a promise to myself and to Kyon that we'll both go to the same college?"

"If anyone could, it would be you, Suzumiya-san. Given what I think both of you get grade-wise, I would say that Kyou… he would certainly need some prodding in order to keep his grades high enough to pass the college entrance exam. I somehow don't think you'll have any difficulty with that."

Strange, he almost said Kyon's real name. "I thought so. I want to keep this promise a secret from him for a while. I don't want him to get the wrong idea about my motives or my intentions. Perhaps he'll see that he really enjoys what we do, and then we can really start overloading the world with fun. "

"I have a feeling the world won't be ready for the two of you, but you'll have each other to depend on, and that's the important thing. I just hope that I am around to see it." Koizumi said

"We're all friends though, and even if nobody else understands us, we are the SOS Brigade and we stand together. If anyone tries to come between us or break us apart, I will fight to my very last. So, as long as you want to stay by my side, I will be there with you. After all, the power of friendship is one of the most powerful forces in the universe." In my heart, I hope that Kyon will be there too. I just have to keep believing that he will. One thing is for certain, if anybody threatens any of my Brigade members, I won't idly stand by. I will make sure that nobody ever harms Kyon, Yuki, Mikuru or Itsuki and I would fight anyone who would threaten them.

End Chapter.

Notes: Story is now half done. Please review and let me know what worked and what didn't.


	4. Despair

Disclaimer: Darker Charon realizes that he doesn't need to do the legalese each chapter, but does it anyway just to credit the wonderful Nagaru Tanigawa for his characters and setting and whatnot. He also appreciates the superb illustrations of Noizi Itou. As of December 2011, Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya has been available in North America and the U.K on DVD and on Blu-Ray. Go buy it if you haven't yet. The first six novels are also available for purchase in North America(and at least the first five in Europe). The seventh novel, Intrigues, will come to North America July 2012.

A/N: Story takes place during the fourth novel Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya. I have now seen the movie(and replayed the Yuki roof scene 10 times). I have also got my hands on the translations of all of the novels(including Surprise) and I have bought every Haruhi novel and manga that Yen Press has put out. Minor possible retcons with Yuki's whereabouts and also minor nods to Durandall's Kyon: Big Damn Hero including K:BDH's Higurashi stuff and Kyon's name. Only Tanigawa himself actually knows what Kyon's actual name is, but for the purposes of this story, I am using Durandall's speculated name for him which is Kyousuke Tadamichi. This story is not set in the same universe as K:BDH however so they are some differences.

Chapter 4: Despair

_December 20, 2010 2 A.M JST_

Koizumi looks like he is now pushing himself to stay awake. I only know too well what he is going through. It has now been about a day and half since Kyon's accident, and he's been in a coma even since and the reason has even baffled the best doctors here. I suppose this reinforces that even the best of us understand little about the human brain. Perhaps when we are able to find those elusive aliens, we'll be able to understand more about ourselves. Although since espers have to have something unusual about their brain, studying them would also lead to progress in understanding how our brains work and give us more understanding of human potential. Of course, there are always a few unscrupulous scientists who don't care about things like consent and basic decency and would use any method they wanted to in order to study them, so espers have to keep their abilities hidden from the world. Of course, the panic and the intolerance towards those who are different also keep them from revealing themselves. A time traveler would be no help since they have temporal noninterference regulations and such.

I also knew that any help from a slider would come from its own issues as well, such as people from parallel worlds having different biochemistry and such. Putting these thoughts aside, I ask Koizumi "Isn't it strange how even the experts have no idea why Kyon is in a coma?"

Koizumi said "There is still much that even the experts don't know, Suzumiya-san. I think I heard one of the doctors say something about it being some unknown variant of Hinamizawa Syndrome. Then I heard another doctor laugh and say something about not making bad jokes."

It had taken me about a minute to understand what Hinamizawa had to do with Kyon. Kyon had once said something about visiting relatives in Hinamizawa. I think he had mentioned that it was a rural village in the middle of mountains and it had a dense forest. His mother and her mention of his uncle Keiichi also make me recall that Kyon had said that his uncle Keiichi still lives there. Does this also mean that his mother was from Hinamizawa, and maybe this was even where Kyon was born? This is something I will have to remember to ask him about when he wakes up.

Of course, all of this makes me realize that I still know very little about Kyon. I know his real name of course, and it is as noble as he seems to be, and with a name like Kyousuke Tadamichi that is certainly a requirement. I vaguely remember that his birthday is in June as Kunikida had mentioned it sometime after we had played in that baseball game. I know that Kunikida and him were somewhat close friends in middle school, which I had envied a little since I didn't have any friends in middle school. I also remember Kunikida had mentioned that Kyon was friends with a "strange", tomboy-ish girl in his last year of middle school. I have not ever heard Kyon mention anything about her on his own, so they had to have lost touch when she went to a different high school. I had once been acquainted with a rather tomboy-ish girl, but was back in elementary school. She would use a masculine pronoun when referring to herself and she had beautiful long hair. I think I had tried to imitate a little of her too, since until this year, I had let my hair grow and grow. She was also the one who had said that "love is a disease". In some ways, I am still indebted to her and I have wondered what became of her since she had moved away.

Yuki walks into the room, and remembrance of things past will have to wait. I should try to get to know more about Kyon though. Koizumi motions for Yuki to talk to him, and they walk out together around a corner. I know they are likely talking about me, as they know that I haven't had any sleep since Kyon's accident.

* * *

_December 20, 2010 8 AM JST_

As Yuki is intently reading her book, and I see that she is almost waiting for something to happen. Maybe she's hoping for the same thing. And then she says very quietly

"Nymph, in thy orisons, be all my sins remembered."

I have heard those words before, but I can't remember when. "Yuki?" I ask.

She looks at me with what I think is surprise. "Oh, I didn't think you heard that." She looks downward. "I was just remembering Shakespeare's most famous soliloquy. Such powerful imagery."

I suddenly remember where I had heard that. I had heard it from one of Koizumi's rehearsals. _Hamlet_ in my estimation was a masterful play, rife with psychological manipulation and political intrigue. Stoppard's _Rosencrantz and Gilderstern_ was an absurd and entertaining _gaiden_ to the events of _Hamlet. _It had the advantage of being much shorter too, as _Hamlet_ is a four-hour long play if they leave everything in. "It certainly helps that one of the best Star Trek moves took it's title from that long monologue."

Yuki pauses for a few seconds before saying "Oh, _Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country_".

Another thought just occurs to me "What are orisons anyway?"

Yuki says "Prayers or prayer books. The Kenneth Branaugh version tries to make that clear."

That movie had been my primary means of seeing the play brought to life. "I must have missed that." I seem to have missed quite a few things lately. Kyon on loose footing, the details of Kyon's life before me and Yuki's sorrow. That last one only just occurred to me. "Yuki…" I pause as I note this is the second time today that I have not used a honorific for her. "After our Christmas party, how were you going to spend Christmas?"

My book-loving friend looks up at me again with a slightly surprised look. It is hard to know for sure since she has such a stoic face. "Unless anything improbable happened, there was a high probability that I was going to experience another solitary anniversary of the birth of a carpenter from Palestine two millennia ago. I would have read an Isaac Asimov book, and then I would have ascertained the path to optimal conditions in the gaming simulation "My Girlfriend Is The President"."

So in short, she was going to read a book on robots, and play a _galge_ game featuring aliens. "You always could ask me if you wanted to share a nice bowl of _udon. _I wouldn't mind cooking something for us and then bringing it over. And then maybe.." I lean in towards her and whisper "between the both of us, we can see about you having a hot date with a nice boy. Or girl, if you happen to swing that way."

Yuki's cheeks turned very slightly pink. "I appreciate you thinking of me, Suzumiya-san, but I….I should try to arrange dates on my own. And, perhaps you should not get too attached to me. My family may change their minds one day, and then we'd never see each other again, and I'd hate to cause you grief on my account. I have already done enough…."

I make sure Yuki doesn't finish her sentence. "No, don't go there. It's not your fault, Yuki." She looks up at me and then starts to say something again. "It isn't your fault."

She then tries again "Suzumiya-san, I was the closest one to him. If I had paid more attention…"

I find myself interrupting her again. "No, Yuki-chan. You couldn't have broken his fall. You would have been injured too, and then I….I…..I possibly would have had to attend a funeral over the Christmas break, and I…I would have had to disband the SOS Brigade. I wouldn't have been able to face any of you if Kyon or you had died. It would have been too painful as all of us would know that I failed in my responsibilities as your chief. As it is, you saved his life. I…I couldn't…..couldn't…do…anything." A torrent of moisture started to fall down my face. "Yuki…please forgive me." I lower my head to her.

She then gently grabs a hold of me and lets me sob in her warm shoulder. "Haruhi, in this instance, you have nothing to apologize for. But all the same, I forgive you." She lets out a very small sigh. "Koizumi and I have been very worried about you. I'm sure Asahina feels the same way too. You have been depriving yourself of R.E.M sleep for two straight days. Please…you needn't punish yourself for this. Kyousuke wouldn't want you to."

I just cannot stop the flood of tears. I know that Yuki would notice that I have not had any sleep, and I know that she and Koizumi would worry. Then she brings up him. "Even after, I humiliated him by forcing him to accept putting on a ridiculous costume for my own selfish reasons. Even after, I treated him worse than how a dog should be treated. And then, I was so wrapped up in my plans that I neglected him. And then he fell, because I didn't have the sense…..I took on the position of leading us, and I took on the burden of being responsible for all of you. And I forgot that he also needed things from me. And that was all because of my stupid pride."

"Even so, he still needs you. And we still need you, Haruhi." Yuki said in a gentle yet confident manner. "We need to guide us in having fun. And looking for mysterious phenomena. Who knows, you may be this close to finding aliens in Nishinomiya. Wouldn't first contact between a human and an alien best be handled by the girl who supposed that Martians are shy and have no ill will towards mankind?" She stops "Yes, I remember those nights in August. You never stopped trying to lead us on even when you felt Kyousuke had forsaken you in the middle of our movie shoot. Please….don't stop now. The SOS Brigade needs a healthy Brigade Chief, and I, as an individual, need you to look after your wellbeing because you are my friend. You are the kind of friend who plans a Christmas party just so I wouldn't be lonely. Even Kyousuke understands that about you. And he would do what he could to cheer you up. He did make up with you during our movie, didn't he? And he went after you when he felt you were feeling down after ENOZ thanked you in person."

The tears were flowing slower as if Yuki's words were a sudden rainbow across the sky. "Yuki….you knew that the party was for your sake?"

She nodded. "At heart, you are a good person and you know that I live alone. It doesn't take a great detective to be able to deduce your true reasons for our little hot pot. And, incidentally, you are a marvelous detective. Something that will aid us if you still plan on us doing a winter mystery at a ski lodge."

I don't know if I have the heart to do that without Kyon. I would hate to do a Brigade activity and leave him out of it. I know he'd enjoy a few days in the mountains, sipping on some hot cocoa. I hope that we can still do those things. "I just don't know right now. You know, at first I had wanted to find those mysterious things, and do it while I had Kyon on my arm. Then, I realized that it didn't matter what we were doing, just as long as he was there, I would at least enjoy something about it. Even if things got totally boring. I still had him, and he never bored me. Ever. If that isn't a miracle or a mystery, then I don't know what is. I think I liked pushing him around just so I could tease him, and then maybe he'd see the joke in it too. And then he'd smile. He has the most beautiful smile. It's too bad that I rarely ever see it. And that's what I hate most about this. I may never see him smile again, and it's because I was too dense to see that he was going to be in trouble." I sigh, looking at Yuki. "I'll try not to fail you ever again, Yuki."

End Chapter

Notes: One more chapter of the main story, and then an epilogue of fluff, and a few funny omakes.


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